How to Build the Laggiest Website Possible

Soh Jun 2, 2024

Want to create a website that loads so slowly your visitors can take a coffee break while they wait? Look no further! Follow these foolproof steps to ensure your website is as sluggish and frustrating as possible.

Step 1: Choose the Right Platform

The foundation of a truly laggy website starts with the right platform. Your best bet is a bloated website builder like Wix or WordPress—just make sure to install as many plugins as possible. The more plugins, the more unnecessary scripts and dependencies, ensuring your site crawls at a snail’s pace.

Step 2: Use Render-Blocking JavaScript

Make sure your website loads an absurd number of JavaScript files before rendering any content. Stick Google Analytics, Google Maps, chat widgets and tracking scripts right at the top of your <body> tag. This will block rendering and leave visitors staring at a blank screen for precious seconds.

Step 3: Hoard Unused CSS

A true lag connoisseur knows that lean CSS is the enemy. Instead, use multiple stylesheets from different frameworks and never remove unused CSS. Bonus points if you inline massive chunks of CSS directly into the HTML file.

Step 4: Go Big with Images

Images should be large, uncompressed, and in the least efficient formats possible. PNGs? Yes. 4K images on a mobile site? Absolutely. Never use WebP, AVIF or lazy loading—those are for amateurs who care about performance.

Step 5: Overload with Fancy Fonts

Load at least 10 different fonts from external sources. The bigger the font file, the better! Try obscure, decorative fonts that take ages to load, and make sure to use multiple weights and variations.

Step 6 (Bonus): Add Cumulative Layout Shift

For the full frustrating experience, ensure elements on your page shift around as they load. Add large banners that push content down, pop-ups that appear randomly and embedded videos that delay loading. Visitors love a good challenge!

Conclusion

If you follow these steps, your website will be a masterpiece of inefficiency. Users will reminisce about the good old days of dial-up, and your bounce rate will skyrocket. Who needs fast-loading, optimized websites anyway?

Now go forth and embrace the lag!